A Real Montage
..It is just another noon in the north kolkotta, for agent ‘100mitra Chatopadhaya’. Again the most unfortunate and dreadful of assignments has been put on to him. But there’s some thing more skewed than treacherous about this job. It’s about the most hushed but rumored the “the pill”
(The Pill: “The Chronically Heraan – Friday 18th Jan 2008” :
An antidote found in most deserted of islands to the left of khalistan (Pakistan), Lallookhet. The antidote is for ill, the worst suffering through self adorned habits of human kind – Lies
The antidote is supposed to cure while arousing honesty in the subject and is vied for by major government agencies and terrorists groups around the world. )
The job was to obtain the “The Pill” and deliver it safe to (i for i detective agency) agency head office in Mumbai. It was clear what this could possibly mean, if this antidote is let out to unsafe hands. Catastrophe, mass hysteria and multi Tehelka sting operations on aaj tak unveiling the truth behind dance bar girls, all this & more crossed agent 100mitra’s mind in a flash. A fresh chill went down the spine over the thought (For readers: not by any means, in excitement but scare)
The package was obtained safe and easy; the task did not even challenge the sophistication and excellence of the agent which had him standing even after seeing all the blood shed and anarchism in west Bengal during bird flu cases in last couple of months. (For readers: So many chicks were killed man..)
The next task was to deliver it safe to the Head office. The decision was tough and life threatening, flying over 1000s of Kms above the sea level in the stratosphere to Mumbai could well be drastic and who to trust and who not at that height is again tough for even the best of agents as well. Well ‘kingfuser’ was the choice available and so he chose to go with it. It’s the guise of an agent which is mostly intriguing and interesting as well for all. It need not necessarily help hide the identity but most of the time it adds value to the personality for most middle aged weird looking agents. While boarding, the reception by the crew was ominous but since it was for every other passenger as well it didn’t matter. Anyways an agent’s major worry should normally be over ex-pression of generosity and not omniscience.
Wearing black suit, dressed auspiciously, flirting with the sassy and willing hostess, having scotch on the rocks. Approached by a steward proposing to choose any video for entertainment hinting at one specific, which could be the next lead to the assignment… and at the end of the tape, the voice… this tape is self destructive in 5 seconds
… No sir, nothing like this happened. Actually there’s nothing like Hollywood in the agent’s life. Nowadays most of them aren’t even paid good enough to buy fresh pair of knickers. And some of them even live off the platforms and take breakfast at local Gurudwaras. That’s only because of the evil doing of Ekta kapoor’s serials which have made all the men & women of this country more like pseudo evil, over suspicious and nose pocking in others businesses which was the bread earner for agent’s before.
Well after few eyeballs exchange of disgust Vs lust between the chief airhostess and agent 100mitra, it was in no time did the flight take off. The central announcement system voiced. It was the captain wishing everyone safe journey from him and also on behalf of the chief airhostess Ms. Y. U Bajoaones. There were some things about Ms Bajaones for which agent 100mitra had his eye on every time she passed by. Things looked simple as nothing overtly was looking wrong but agent’s job is an agent’s job, no complacency indeed. As the time was passing by agent 100mitra was getting more and more convinced of the assignment’s success.
It was never true of flights being on time in our country any which ways, most of them sometimes tired of wandering around, where to land eventually do as the pilot pleases and may land in the third location but still no surprise. This 2 hour flight also was nearing it’s time lapse.
But suddenly it happened, the screen in front depicting the trajectory of flight showed an image which sent coldness through the ears of agent 100mitra straight to his heart.
This definitely was alarm enough for agent 100mitra to understand that something was wrong, why the heck anyone should unnecessarily waste over 2 hours over the scheduled time along with so much of fuel and still not land. It was definitely a sign of sabotage or remotely it could also be one of the following:
- The pilots were so engulfed with the poker that they didn’t realize the plane had lost its trajectory.
- The hostesses and pilots decided, over the shortage of people within their fraternity, to make amends and started conceiving on board over the flight control and cockpit and hence the flight was so bumpy.
- The pilot had misbehaved with the air traffic controller’s wife and hence he wouldn’t let him land and punish him in the air.
- Some aggrieved passenger had hijacked the Air traffic controller’s office after being harassed by the incorrigible delays in aircrafts arrivals these days and he decided to hang the aircraft in the middle of skies to punish the officials.
- Or may be ATC don’t have much of a liking for the fat and ugly, thick bearded guy who comes on screen before every time the flight takes off and assures best of the services on board to all passengers, “since he personally has recruited and trained every chick on board”, which is really not clear. Moreover because of his mere vicious looks every time he says this, you don’t help but imagine as if he is winking to mean the godforsaken don’t know what…
However the topic was indeed worth interrogation. But agent feared doing anything for the sake of loosing his guise and self sabotaging the assignment. And than it occurred to him, “The Pill”
The only way to get deep into it was, The Pill. If what they say about the antidote is true than life’s easier. All what is required is right people and right amount of dose and the job is done. Wallah’ and the truth shall set you free…
The first in line was the airhostess which had again suddenly vanished for some time now. It was time for action and the gut of the agent was getting high on him.
Agent 100 mitra made a move towards the lavatory which oversees the staff’s seating space. With the “The pill” on disposal and now in the coffee of the hostess the time had come for some revelation.
Agent 100: Hi how you doing
Hostess: I am fine sir, may I insist you please be seated we might be landing pretty soon
Agent 100: Oh that’s ok I am sure we have time to chat up a bit. Some trouble around here? I see the landing’s taking some time.
Hostess: No sir… (With hesitation) yes it is a trouble now days, what should I say we have been working odd hours every flight these days. Every flight is delayed I don’t know some department they all keep saying ATD or ATC is responsible, but how does it matter our families are worried for us, Suresh from the luggage department even told me last night that we might not be even paid for extended hours now. Already our salaries are low, my sis Natasha is working with a call centre and is getting more than us, they even have special discounts on beauty shops and parlors for ladies, we don’t. We keep serving to these high class people on board with us every day, but for us things are just the same always.
Agent 100: Okeey..
This didn’t fetch much. Looks like it’s time to catch up with the bigger fish may be the pilot. With a dose of “The pill” in his dinner should get some thing out.
Agent 100: How are you doing captain?
Pilot: (Aussie ascent) not bad mate, what brings you here?
Agent 100: Just curious what’s taking us so long? Why are we not landing?
Pilot: aaaah, it’s the same sstuff, had some glitch in the machine in morning, so we started late and than the ATC. These idiots are only giving us numbers, here see this mate, we are 32nd in the queue for landing. These Indian folks I tell you. They see a diplomatic aircraft and they jumble all rest of us behind.
Agent 100: Diplomatic aircrafts?
Pilot: Yes mate some PA to some MP has come and they all have let him go first pushing us all back.
Agent 100: Ahhhh. Well I hope we should land soon.
Pilot: Sure we will mate.. Wait a sec. Control room this is flight It 302, requesting permission to land..
ATC reply: A frantic reply came. Nooooooo.. You can not land how will you land, you landed just an hour back, how can you land again.
Pilot: I am sorry mate it wasn’t us that was flight no. 301 you are confused.
ATC reply: confused! you call me confused, you are confused. You people think we do not know what you keep doing sneaking out on us every 5 minutes, how do you even imagine that we wouldn’t know. We are just 5 people left here handling 150 flights every hour, what time is It.? Is it day or noon? I have to give a call to my wife and wish her on our anniversary today is 21st isn’t it.
Pilot: Ummmh (clearing throat), calm down mate, you sound so wasted, just guide us to the landing space and by the way it’s not noon it’s well past midnight and it’s 23rd today not 21st. We all feel so sorry for you mate.
Communication interruption: Grrrrrrhhhheeehhh, Halooo, this is P.A to the Aviation Minister Sahib. Mr. Para-fool Patel speaking. Why are you not lainding us. kem trobul che. Minister Sahib haz to reech home early so he can sleep early and attend the ribon cutting of a local barber shop in his naitive bhillage tomorrow, fresh... Minister Sahib saathe waat karo chuu..
Pilot: Ah Mother of God, it’s a cross connection, it seems the lines have crossed.
Agent 100: This is the golden opportunity to catch the thief in the dark. If I could speak to the MP and get him to speak the truth, it will all be clear than.
And of course I can transfer the, “The Pill” through radio frequency via this connection. Hello can I speak to you for a minute I am a journalist and want to speak to you about something.
Para-fool Patel: Su waat che, boliye.
Agent 100: Sir, this current delay in landing is because of you, could you explain what’s the urgency? Why you have to land before all of us.
Para-fool patel: 100 mitra bhai mahri waat Samddo. I have another Gujrati bhai coming for a new low cost airlines license, deal is almost through. They have taken good care of me and the government as well. You see elections are coming and we have to prepare. Right.
Agent 100: Another airline? But sir, we already have too much congestion in the air. There is no space on ground; we just spoke to an ATC official he almost has lost his mind, overworking constantly for so long. Don’t you think infrastructure should be better before you bring in so many carriers?
Para-fool Patel: infrastructure? What’s wrong with it now? Every things is ok, we still have some leverage. You see, travel time to Mumbai from Kolkotta by train is 2 days and one night, we still manage to fly people down, with all the congestion you are saying within 5 hours. There’s still a lot of space, you see.
Agent 100: But Sir, Original time for the same flight is 2 hours only….and what about the consumer experience which is gradually becoming grievance.
Para-fool Patel: Dekhiye, I have two Swiss accounts which require me to maintain a minimum account balance every year. If these deals don’t happen, who will be responsible for my losses? You tell me. And Janta ka kya hai. At least they get to fly cheap, right. Moreover it’s not humanly possible for me to keep everybody happy altogether.
Agent 100: ?????
Most of you, who are wondering what, happened finally. The good news is that the antidote finally after 5 hours reached its destination safely in Mumbai.
But - what the heck? Who cares about that anymore? You must concur with me on the fact that the airline Industry is in such big mess. This story is apt for most mid level executives who take there jobs too seriously and fly down to the saddest of location across the country even for the smallest of tasks. The inevitable wait at the airport and than the conspicuous delay in arrival, every single time has let the fascination of flying become one dreadful experience. The good looking but most stupid airlines crew also helps no where when you expect them to tell the reasons for eternal delays and bad services on board. New airlines are being added everyday to the Indian skies. The technical staff required to handle traffic has gone down the level of minimum requirement as compared to the strength of flights.
Just for the reason of fog everyday all flights are delayed by half to 6 hours leaving travelers stranded. Pilot’s are being recruited from outside the country and Indian Air force on the pretext of lucrative salaries, just to make up for the shortage. As per the latest estimate Indian airlines industry will soon see a day where amateurs are being put on to handle critical jobs, since there’s no way we can train and get the new crop ready to meet the explosion in demand for trained professional in such short time. May God be with the travelers…. Ameen
Glossary:
- Agent 100 mitra: a reincarnation of agent 007 in the 21st centuary.
- The pill: Only a figment of writer’s imagination
- Ms. Y. U Bajoaones: I leave her to your imagination.
do reply with your views on above......
